Do I ever freak out?
Dear
editor's wife,
I would love to write something every day, and I try, I really try. I mean to. Sometimes it's just too damn cozy to lie on the bed and just look at Hannes that I may forget to write. Then sometimes, there's simply too much going on, and I don't even know where to begin. But to your question .. do I ever freak out?
Yes. I freak out all the time. But I freak out in a Finnish kinda way, which is pretty stoic. Freaking out over here doesn't include running or yelling or even crying. Freaking out - with me - means a lot of sweat. You can tell I am freaking out when my light blue shirts turn navy blue.
What do I freak out about? For me, being a father for a newborn, our first, too, means dealing with my own insecurities. That's what I freak out about. I freak out, not because Hannes cries, but because I feel inadequate if I can't figure out why he's crying .. and then make him feel better. It's not the staying up at night part that troubles me at all, geez, I
enjoy sitting in the kitchen in the middle of the night, with Hannes on my arms. I love it. What makes me sweat is that I worry about him eating/not eating, not sleeping, waking up Jessica (oh yeah, I worry about her, too), and whether or not I'm doing things right, in general.
So, basically, dear editor's wife, our life is a rollercoaster of emotions right now, ranging from the nirvana we reach when he looks soooo cute to the freakout of self-doubt.
He's always with me. I played squash with the buddy of mine on Monday, and I could feel Hannes in the air. Or maybe it was the sweating that made me think of him?
